Amy's Journal
15 posts back





Date:2002-05-13 20:07
Subject:
Security:Public

Today was pretty dull. I woke up and 2 minutes later my dad came in and sat on me and was talking. I hate when he does that. I mean I just woke up, so you can't expect me to be totally cheerful and responsive, but he does for some reason and gets all pissed off when I am not talking and yeah. Grr. So that put me in a bad mood. We went and played soccer and kickball. Zzz. I hate ball sports. Since then I have been cold and icky feeling and looking. Blah. And tomorrow is Mother's Day. We didn't get my mom anything yet. I suppose we will pick up flowers or something.

My dad and his girlfriend are really starting to piss me off. Every girl he has had a serious relationship since my mom..Libby..Bette..Jenn..then Lisa. I think that's all. Yeah. Jenn I don't think counted, or to me at least, because she was 28 and married. I think she was probably in it for the money. Libby was incredibly gorgeous, fake boobs, 2 kids, mid 30's. Bette was cute, TINY..like 5'0. But he called each of them "beautiful"...Like that was each of their nicknames...he answers the phone "Hi beautiful!" And yeah. That irritates me. Not that that is what he chose to call them, just that it is the same for each of them.

They were upstairs fucking again tonight, with their loud ass salsa music on. Seriously. I hate being down here, feeling the whole house shake, listening to sex noises that travel through the vents. I want to have someone here, and be fucking, and scream for a few hours, just to show them how uncomfortable and rude it is.

I think I am going to fast next week. I wouldn't mind a fasting buddy if anyone is interested. E mail me if you are or whatever.

Comments: 4 ring a lings - ring my bell.
Date:2002-05-12 12:48
Subject:
Security:Public

I was just watching mtv..real life I am an urban cheerleader..and now I'm all sad. They showed them at camp and everything. I remember the black squad at our camps...they were SOOOO cool. They were the ones that always started little sally walker and were just really friendly and fun to be around. Ahh. I misss it.

Comments: 7 ring a lings - ring my bell.



Date:2002-05-12 09:47
Subject:
Security:Public

So yesterday afternoon, after looking into it for a few days, I decided to give my keyboard a bath. According to numerous people, it is dishwasher and bathtub safe. I figured the worst thing that could happen is it will break and I won't have a keyboard until I go to my dad's this weekend. So I fill up the tub a bit, and put the keyboard in, without the cord of course. All this shit was coming out of it, dust, candlewax, hair, fingernail clippings (I do my nails over my desk..always wondered where those went)So about 2 years of yucky stuff. It got very clean. I decided to speed up the drying process with a hairdryer. I felt so smart, it was drying SO fast, and everyone I talked to had said to make sure it was completely dry before using it again, that it would take hours. So I am drying away, pressing the nozzle to the keys, then pulling it away moving all over the keyboard. I was looking at my enter key, which looked a bit deformed, and sort of laughed to myself at how much it had been through, me using it so much. Then I looked at a few other keys, not paying much attention, thinking, wow these keys are really worn down...looked harder..they were melting! Half of my keys had melted into deformed shapes, the letters on the keys all crooked. I was like HOLY SHIT. So I plugged it back in anyways, just to see if maybe it would work. It made these mean beeping noises at me and would mix up letters. So that was it for that. This morning I stole my brother's keyboard and am using it for today.

Comments: 3 ring a lings - ring my bell.



Date:2002-05-11 10:07
Subject:And the world makes sense, AGAIN
Security:Public
Mood:INCREDIBLY unspecial and naive

So, today, after Janet left I took a shower, and got online. Being bored, more than usual, I decided to read something.

At first I laughed, and rolled on the floor. Read more. Became very upset, hurt, ANGRY. I feel SO stupid. SO SO SO stupid. It took me THIS long to see this. I can't express how upset I am. How blind I have been. I had been having some thoughts before reading this, but didn't take them too seriously.

Things always come back to haunt you. ALWAYS. They will. You can't get away from it.

I am about ready to go back to how things were unless I get a VERY good explanation. So many things I have done recently. I don't have myself anymore. I can't call myself abstinent. Now I have NOTHING. NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING. WHAT THE HELL HAVE I DONE!!!!!!!!!! I feel so dirty. Physically sick. It was all a lie. How fucking stupid am I!? How I brought myself down to a certain level and now I am stuck here, all for nothing. For a fucking lie. Everything I have prided myself for. Gone.

Comments: 2 ring a lings - ring my bell.



Date:2002-05-10 16:09
Subject:
Security:Public

What a nice day. Last night/this morning went to sleep around 2 and woke up at 5:30 to go to this Curves for women place. We went there yesterday too. Pretty cool place. Girls only, everyone is all nasty lookin seeing it is like 5, and no one cares, it's all in one room, yeah. I like it.

After Janet left, I spent ALL day cleaning and decorating my room. It looks so pretty.

Today is day 6 of this cabbage soup thing. The past 2 days have been "steak" days. I refuse to eat cows, and beef is like fat and protein. Yuck.

Tomorrow, the last day, is brown rice day. How is this suppose to be cleansing? Rice is really high in calories and carbs. I think again, I will just stick with the soup and a salad or something.

I am exhausted. I hope I fall asleep early tonight.

Comments: ring my bell.



Date:2002-05-09 15:09
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: irritated

Ok I feel like shit. Yuck. What an icky day.

Comments: 4 ring a lings - ring my bell.



Date:2002-05-08 18:08
Subject:One time, at cheer camp...
Security:Public

Ok this is the second time in 2 days that I have had the living shit scared out of me, the exact same way, two totally different people.

At John's I was in the bathroom the other day and (it is what, 5 am) I open the door and he is standing RIGHT there and I screamed. Totally scared me to death. So then today, I wake up from my nap, decide to pull myself out of bed and go downstairs, unlock and open the door, and my brother is standing RIGHT there holding the up the phone. Again, I screamed. Totally bitched him out. He was tickled by the whole thing. Poor Blake on the phone was like..my ear..yeah. Anyhow..

So speaking of shit, I remembered something from cheer camp not this past summer, the one before. We were having this little "squad bonding" time where you all had to make a machine, using everyone. How original, we made a typewriter. In the middle of all of this, Ashley, walks up to us and was totally cracking up, like literally in tears laughing, and is like "Look at my head" and some bird had totally taken a major shit on her head. It was so hilarious. She had to go into the bathroom in the main CU school building thing and she washed her hair with handsoap. Haha. It was so funny. You kindof had to be there.

Comments: 2 ring a lings - ring my bell.



Date:2002-05-08 15:21
Subject:Dear god..make me a bird..so I can fly far, far away from here
Security:Public
Mood: bored

Well the friends only thing lasted about a day. My mom and I talked, and then talked with my psychologist, so I guess everything is all worked out and ok. I am still pissed she read my journal though..grr.

I watched Forrest Gump. I love that movie.

Today is "banana day"...Suppose to have 8 bananas and I think a cup or 2 of skim milk. Yuck. I just made a little banana milkshake thing with 1/2 cup of skim milk and a banana and ice cubes and splenda and vanilla and cinnamon. It was actually really good. But..bananas aren't my thing so I will just stop there. 8 bananas would be over 800 calories..plus the milk..blah.

So yeah anyway. Nothing too exciting going on. Bored. Tired. K. Bye.

Comments: 2 ring a lings - ring my bell.



Date:2002-05-07 12:58
Subject:Friends only
Security:Public

Alright well I have made this journal friends only. My mom recently quoted me in a previous entry, and said that she had been reading it. I'm not sure how much of it or for how long, but until it all gets figured out, I will make sure this is private. If you want to be added, add me and I will add you back, or e-mail me at Pretty Tears@aol.com.





Date:2002-05-07 01:43
Subject:How pathetic
Security:Public
Mood: sad

I wrote Ashley an email yesterday to see how everyone was doing, and who all made cheers again. I waited so long just to avoid facing the reality that I will not be cheering this year. At least for a high school anyways. Turns out, everyone who tried out made it except Lynn. Poor girl. I really need to call her.

I remember my first tryout. 8th grade, trying out for JV cheerleading at Arapahoe. There were 3 days where they taught us 2 cheers and a dance, some stunts, and you did whatever tumbling you could. The 4th day you tried out in your group of 4 girls. I was in a group with Stephanie, Ellen, and Lisa. We were all SO nervous. To tell you if you made it or not, you would get a call after tryouts, which ended at 8 30 pm, so you usually got a call around 9-11ish. I remember telling myself the whole way home that I wouldn't make it. That I didn't make it, so I wouldn't be so disappointed. But even when you tell yourself this, you still have that feeling that you did. So I was lying on my bed after tryouts, the phone next to me, with a spare phone in case one died, watching I love Lucy. My mom came in and sat down on the bed with me. This made me more uncomfortable. I cannot tell you how horrible those few hours after tryouts are. The phone rang. My stomach dropped. I answered it right away. It was the JV coach, Sherian. I remember it like it was yesterday. "Hi Amy this is Sherian, the Junior varsity coach. I just wanted to say congratulations, you made JV cheers" Me: Screaming My mom: Crying Me: "Oh my god are you serious???? Thank you SOOOO much!!!!" Sherian: "Don't thank me, you made it yourself. You had a very good tryout." Then she told me some other junk about practices, meetings, etc. I ran downstairs screaming, down into the basement, and back up again 3 times. The phone rang again. It was Stephanie. Now I had to settle down, so I wouldn't make her feel bad if she didn't make it. She was doing the same, and asked very calmly if I made it? I was like...yes...did you? She was all "YESSSSSS!!!!" And we were on the phone screaming for about 20 minutes, and made plans to get ready for school together the next day. We called Ellen on 3 way, she made it too. Then we called Lisa. She didn't make it. She was bawling. It really sucked. We felt really bad for her. That was one of the best days I have ever had.

After everything that year happened, and I switched to the private school, I still cheered for Arapahoe, but it got awkward. Tryouts came around again in March. Sherian and Connie ( the varsity coach ) had a meeting with my parents and I. They were hinting bigtime not to try out, because I had no intention of attending arapahoe that next year, but it is allowed for kids at private schools to do athletics at public schools. So they couldn't keep me from trying out. Sports are all politics at public schools. So anyways, I decided I had a chance to make it anyways. Oh yeah, and because of CHSAA or something, they wouldn't accept my grades from the first semester, because they were done through homeschool with my dad. So I was trying out with a 2.0 gpa, the gpa they gave me because they wouldn't accept my 4.0 from the private school because it was second semester, not first. Bullshit. Anyways.

We tried out in the same group, but without Lisa, Jackie instead. I had an amazingly good tryout. We all did. Everyone on varsity was saying that I had a guaranteed spot that year on varsity. I was like, ha, jv is good enough for me as long as I make it. So my dad picked me up after tryouts. My mom was at some dinner with my brother. I had my dad take me to dairy queen before going home. I remember exactly what I got too. A large oreo blizzard and a strawberry sunday. People were like woahhhh. My dad was just laughing at me. He took me home. I was all alone. After eating all of that, I decided to make spaghetti. I couldn't get the tomato sauce stuff jar to open, so I was banging it upside-down on the counter to loosen the cap. The jar shattered in my hands and got shit all over me and the floor. Then the phone rings. Psht it was my mom. I was like mom you can't call me they are going to call any minute! And hung up on her. A few minutes later, Connie called. This phone call I also remember like it was yesterday. "Hi Amy it's Connie. I am calling to tell you that you didn't make either of the squads at Arapahoe this year." I was sort of dazed, it wasn't hitting me. Me: "Really?" Her: "No I'm sorry, if you want to see your scores you can come in next Monday after Spring Break" Me: "Click." She had totally treated me as if she hadn't worked with me all year. It still hadn't hit me though. I baked a cake out of a box. While it was baking I called my mom, now it was really starting to hit me. I was crying sooo hard. I literally threw myself on the floor in my living room the phone lying next to me, my mom saying how she was on her way home, she was so sorry, blah blah. I honestly don't think I have ever cried so hard in my life. I can't even explain it. It sounds stupid to anyone who doesn't understand my passion for cheerleading, but I thought my life was over. Even though I knew why I didn't make it, and it had nothing to do with my skills, I was embarrassed and just ugh. Oh, then I ate the ENTIRE cake. My mom was in awe.

My mom at the time though was so sweet to me. She called every school in our area for cheerleading info. Dustin had said Cherry Creek was a really good school. So I tried out there and made it, my dad bought a house there. Those tryouts were interesting. I didn't know anyone at all. The coach was really nice to me though. I talked to a few girls, none of which ended up making it. The whole time I was comparing their squads to Arapahoe's. I missed Arapahoe so much. Everything they did was different. Hard to explain. Different dance moves, but the same cheer dance style. You get use to your own schools. I didn't like it at all. But I had a really good try out again. This was just weeks after not making Arapahoe's squad. Their way of letting you know if you made it or not is by posting your tryout number on a sheet and hanging it on the wall. So if your number wasn't on the list, you didn't make it. My number was 56. This was also the day before Easter. So anyways, my mom drove me home from tryouts, and back 4 hours later to check the sheet. In that time I went to another tryout for an all star squad(one run through a gym), but they knew I may not commit to it. I made it there, no problem. So on the way to Creek to check the sheet and I had again convinced myself I didn't make it. In a way I didn't want to, and in a way I did. So much energy it takes to remove yourself from your old social life and friends and put yourself in a whole new one. So we were listing things I could take up other than cheerleading. I decided if I didn't make it, I wanted to be an olympic ice skater.

We got to the school, and I got out and checked the sheet. 56 was there. I wasn't overly excited, I sort of knew in the back of my mind I had. My mom was ecstatic. She wants me to be normal. That is her thing. Anyways. We drove home, about a 15 minute drive. She was like, now you are SURE your number was on there. I was pretty sure..but she made me nervous and now I wasn't 100% sure. So we drove back. I checked again. Yep. It was there. We left again and were about 5 minutes from the school. She decided that she should check it too, just to be positive. So she saw it. We left, But then came back again to take a picture, just to be REALLY positive.

So now, it is sort of like Arapahoe, when everyone was going to be on the squad again but me. Only this time I didn't try out. It is my own for being fucked up. But...I miss everyone...In a way I wish I hadn't shut everyone out. Blah. Oh well.

Comments: 2 ring a lings - ring my bell.



Date:2002-05-06 14:28
Subject:
Security:Public

Tina Listerina: ;\
Nude Painting: ;/
Pretty tears: =\
Nude Painting: =/
Pretty tears: :\
Nude Painting: :/
Pretty tears: 0:\
Nude Painting: 0:/
Pretty tears: =o\
Nude Painting: =o/
Tina Listerina: k stop
Tina Listerina: :D
Nude Painting: D:

Hehehe. Today I slept in as late as possible. It is "vegetable" day. I don't really care for a lot of vegetables. What I DO love though is peppers like green red and yellow ones, cooked in this little basket on a grill, but only my dad does that. So I had some lettuce and a half a cucumber and the soup junk, which should do me over until tomorrow. You are suppose to be "allowed" a baked potato with butter for dinner.. I was like wtf. I will skip it. I hate the attitude my mom has about it all. She is already planning on preparing a feast the day it is over. Disgusting.

I have no idea where everyone is. Oh well. I need to go work out. Once I can pull myself away from the oh-so-exciting aol life. That shouldn't be too hard.

Alright well I may write later if I have anything to write about.

<33

Comments: 4 ring a lings - ring my bell.



Date:2002-05-05 09:09
Subject:A thousand miles
Security:Public
Mood: crazy

So my mom and I were suppose to go to this new gym she got a membership to at 5:30. I was going to stay awake all night, because I had slept all day, but of course that didn't happen. My mom has been setting her alarm for 3 AM to come into my room and check if I am here -sigh-. So anyhow. She wakes me up at 5:15, asking if I want to go, hinting that she didn't want to. I was too tired to understand exactly what was going on, and was mumbling. She decided to go back to bed. How annoying. She has no motivation. I am doing this cabbage soup thing with her because she can't seem to do it on her own. It really isn't bad at all. You make this cabbage soup, which you are "allowed" to have as much of as you want, and each day there is a "plan". Day 1, (today) is "fruit" day, and you can have all the fruit you want other than bananas. Day 2 is vegetable day. Day 3 is fruit AND vegetable day. Day 4 is "banana" day, where you are allowed 8 bananas and I think about 1 cup of skim milk. Day 5 is just soup day, Day 6 is either rice or steak day I forget. Anyhow. Not bad at all. Fruit is fairly high in calories, as is rice. But the soup cleans you out.

I am currently doing English as a subject for school. There has been a lot of writing. Janet has been pissing me off, suggesting I join this creative writing club because of my "talent" for writing. I was like..no..Why would I want to do something like that and get no credit? Plus, having people read my writing..yuck. Writing in a journal is so much different. I could care less about what people think when they read it. I do this for myself. But something like that..eh. Nah.

Ok so here I am, dancing around half naked in my room, singing along with the Kimpossible song, which I downloaded because I am a loser, and my brother walks in, gives me this sort of annoyed, shocked look, and shuts my door. I was like HOLY SHIT where did you come from! Apparently he had stayed home from school sick. I fucking hate that no one tells me this.

I was in the PR suicide last night and this guy I was talking to came in. It was the most hilarious conversation. We were talking about masturbation, sex, foreplay, all that good stuff, and this girl and I were talking about how most girls cannot orgasm during sex, or even usually with a guy. The guys were all "oh yeah well that's because they have been with the wrong guy" blah blah. Haha fucking hilarious. We were like...yeah too bad most likely all of the girls you have been with have faked it. I use to not be able to during sex or anything. It is kind of a mental thing though too. I can now =D But yeah. Funny stuff.

Well my brother being home pretty much ruins my day and any plans I had. Grr.

Comments: ring my bell.



Date:2002-05-04 01:58
Subject:In my life
Security:Public

my mom came home around 8 30. Disconnected my phone line outside. Ha. She use to do this all the time, I have learned how to reconnect it. At night it is difficult though. She somehow found out I had been gone last night. I told her I was taking a walk. She told Janet not to come tomorrow. She was pissed about my hole in the wall. Oh well. I cried. And cried. And left on a walk to meet John. -sigh- That got really messed up. Anyways. I went to the store. Came back. My mom said she had gone out looking for me. I went to sleep. Woke up. Walked by her room. She said "goodnight Amy" acting as if she wasn't being a total bitch all night. I ignored her. Went back to bed. She walks in and all concerned asks if I "bought anything" at the store. Ha. I know better now than to od on otc pills. Silly. While we were fighting I was getting other ideas. If I left here though, I would have to die. I couldn't be like that. It is all or nothing. Today has been horrible.

Comments: 1 ring a ling - ring my bell.



Date:2002-05-03 20:19
Subject:It's always best to start at the beginning
Security:Public
Mood: blank

Last night was really fun =] and I am addicted to listerine paper melting mints. I got home at like 6 30 and my mom woke me up at 8. She was being such a bitch and I was soo tired and she made me get up for my stupid tutor. I was SO pissed off. I slammed the door so hard against the wall there is a hole the size of the doorknob. I felt so mature. After Janet left I slept until 7 30pm. I need to take a shower or something.


Everything's so blurry
And everyone's so fake
And everybody's empty
And everything is so messed up
Pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl
You could be my someone
You could be my scene
You know that I'll protect you
From all of the obscene
I wonder what you're doing
Imagine where you are
There's oceans in between us
But that's not very far

Can you take it all away?
Can you take it all away?
When you shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away?
Can you take it all away?
When you shoved it in my face

Everyone is changing
There's no-one left that's real
To make up your own ending
And let me know just how you feel
'Cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
You could be my scene
You know that I will save you
From all of the unclean
I wonder what you're doing
I wonder where you are
There's oceans in between us
But that's not very far

Can you take it all away?
Can you take it all away?
When you shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away?
Can you take it all away?
When you shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me

Oh
Nobody told me what you thought
Nobody told me what to say
Everyone showed you where to turn
Told you where to runaway
Nobody told you where to hide
Nobody told you what to say
Everyone showed you where to turn
Showed you where to runaway

Can you take it all away?
Can you take it all away?
When you shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away?
Can you take it all away?
When you shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me

This pain you gave to me

You take it all
Take it all away
This pain you gave to me
You take it all away
This pain you gave to me
Take it all away
This pain you gave
This pain you gave

Comments: 1 ring a ling - ring my bell.



Date:2002-05-02 18:10
Subject:I think, therefore I am
Security:Public
Mood: moody

I was thinking about fork-in-the-road stuff. I got this journal on February 13th. I went into the livejournal chat room and asked for a code. To my surprise (Matt) gave me code. Now I think, what would have happened, and where would I be, had I not gotten a journal? If I hadn't spent all of my time in the livejournal chat room on aol? Would I be alive? That is so weird to think about..because I know that a lot of that time I was really really depressed and had I not had a place to write and get it all out..hmm.

Today I was "sick"...my dad called around 12 about to pick me up to take me to go look at cars in Colorado Springs (where the Phil Winslow BMW dealership thing is) and I guess he was trying out a 7 series and telling me how the gps is a lot better on it than the 5 series. I of course didn't go to the springs. And slept the rest of the day after a long night.

The craziest thing in the whole world is being asleep, dreaming about something, and waking up to find that the same thing that was happening in your dream is happening while you are awake now. Sooo trippy. I can't even explain how weird and cool it was.

Today I was talking to someone, about something, that most people, girls, my age don't realize, but are sure that they do. So knowing that I really do know, and can see that I know, but trying to explain this to someone else just doesn't work. I read what I am writing and just shake my head and laugh at how stupid I sound. I guess it is one of those things you just know.

Bubble bath time! I think I am going to go find some of my old bath toys. How exciting.

Comments: 2 ring a lings - ring my bell.


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