Amy's Journal
30 posts back





Date:2002-05-01 01:13
Subject:The blue meanies are coming
Security:Public

Ok first I would like to tell you how much I hate tampax tampons. I hate them almost as much as I hate Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen..and I hate them with a passion. I hate cardboard applicators, and the way it is all cottony at the tip of them and YUCK. They just really suck. And I ended up having to use them throughout the trip because gas stations are retarted and don't carry anything else.

I am officially positive that I do not want kids. Nope. No kids for Amy. During the 8 hour drive to Nebraska, we watched the Wizard of Oz 5 times. At the hotel we watched it 3 times. On the way home, we watched it once (thank god for Target, we stopped and bought Babe and Mulan)

I also do not like "leap pad" book things or play cell phones. Both make the most obnoxious noises you could ever imagine. Of course to a 4 year old, these noises are exciting, entertaining, blah blah, so this little girl kept hitting the noise buttons. ARGH. She was also very interested in my hair. I still don't feel clean. The last hour of the car ride was the worst and I seriously thought I was going to scream or something. Oh oh..picachu or what the fuck ever those little yellow monster things with the big black eyes and red cheeks are...no good dude...fuckin every time someone would sneeze (this was after my dad pointed out that when you say picachu or whatever it sounds like someone is sneezing..peek-a-choo..yes) so someone would sneeze and she would flip this little doll all over the place screaming picachu. And not once did she fall asleep in the car. There must be something wrong with this child.

The memorial was nice. Everyone liked our video. Nothing too interesting. I video taped everyone, seeing the next time we will probably see them is at their funeral. Sorta sad. Oh well.

We made brownies with some of grandpa's ashes. People ate them. Afterwards we told them all what was in them. Some got sick, others liked the idea.

I drove most of the way back. People kept passing me because my dad was making me go the speed limit I was like dad...we are in a bmw..this is embarrassing when shitty cars pass us...so finally he let me go all fast. It was great.

Please take this little poll thing. I can't decide. Any other suggestions for screen names would be appreciated. Watch, no one will take it. -sigh- oh well.


Poll #30818 Aol sn

Which of the following screen names should Amy use?

s0 sad
2(12.5%)
Pretty tears
10(62.5%)
Exhilarational
2(12.5%)
Use Dre4ming again
2(12.5%)
Stick with Amyxoxo
0(0.0%)

Comments: 7 ring a lings - ring my bell.
Date:2002-04-28 15:18
Subject:In my dream, I knew the formula for glue
Security:Public

I kinda forgot about it, but the other night I dreamt about my grandpa. I knew he was going to die in it, and he knew too, but he was still able to talk, and laugh, and it was just like it was before. We were at a school or something, and I was looking for a certain room, because he was suppose to be in this room or something when he died, so I was pulling him by the arm looking for this room, panicking that he would die before we got to this room. At one point in the dream, he said I love you, and I said I love you too. I woke up feeling just a lot more ok about the whole thing, like it was a "sign" or something that he was alright.

I remember the few months before he did die, I would dread going out to see them, because each time he would be doing worse. And each time, it was prepared like it would be the last time we would see him. After a few months, it was really exhausting, just to be so prepared mentally, and then visiting again and again. That sounds so terrible and selfish but it really hurt. The time before the last time we saw him was just like, so perfect. It couldn't have been better I don't think. I posted about it on that day actually. So weird to look back and read so many things I was thinking before some of these things happened. But he had been lying in bed and we were talking to him, and at one point I was alone with him. It was sort of awkward. Oh and for about an hour he was holding my hand. So anyways he asked if there was anything I wanted to tell him. And it was so different and perfect, because FOREVER, he had always been the one to say I love you first. So I said "I love you" and he said I love you too and then reached up and I hugged him. Like I am so happy with that day, I feel okay that he died. Of course I miss him, but it just made part of it a lot more, there is a word for it. I forgot. But, we went back again for his birthday. He was REALLLY sick then. God. It is sad to actually say or think, but it was kindof creepy. Just because it was so not him. I never told him I loved him that day. I mean, I am not all upset about it, I realized it that day and afterwards, but yeah. It was cute though, each time we were there the last few times, he would hold onto my hand and seriously not let go for a few hours. My dad was commenting on that the other day. That is really cool.

So this weekend is the memorial thing. We are driving to Nebraska tomorrow morning at 8am. The service is Saturday, we return Sunday. And we get to bring the 4 year old. Who is currently sleeping in my office at my dads. Grrrrr. This means that I most likely can't get online tonight. Grr again. Oh and another grr, she is going to be sleeping with me at the hotel. Is this not bullshit? I mean, we are getting 3 rooms, which is 6 beds, my grandma and her sister have one, my dad and Lisa have one, but they sleep in the same bed, I mean its like can you not fuck for ONE night and let the little brat stay with you?? It is fuckin bad enough sharing a ROOM with my brother, sharing a bed with a smelly four year old will be just wonderful. And they don't ASK me if this is ok, they just do it, not assuming I will care, or even care if I do care. My dad just gives me this cheesy smile. ARGH.

Today was pretty cool. John came over. We were going to watch movies all day because it is cold and just one of those days. But..we didn't :D <3

I feel really bad or confused or something about Dustin. *Someone* reminds me so much of him, but I don't know whether that is like normal or bad or what. I mean or course everyone is their own person, but like little things. Similar smelling cologne, some similar thoughts and opinions, other little things. Maybe I am imagining it. I dunno. I got some serious deja vu kind of thing today and last night. I felt like safe and happy and I haven't felt that way in forever. It was nice.

Life is all little things. It is the little things that are important. I keep thinking about Dustin. Ugh. Its like, when you break up with someone, there is that pain. But it is a different pain when someone dies. They aren't there, and never will be again. When you break up, you remember and miss little things, but when they die, it is..ugh.

And now, I find out John is leaving in May or June. I am upset, but not surprised. That is just how much my life sucks. I expect the worst of everything, at all times.

Comments: 5 ring a lings - ring my bell.



Date:2002-04-27 23:02
Subject:
Security:Public

Tonight was really weird. I haven't cried in front of anyone for a long long long time. And ugh. I feel really bad. Like I put my problems and my unstableness on someone for a while. No one deserves that. I am so sorry.

Comments: ring my bell.



Date:2002-04-27 15:18
Subject:In my dream, I knew the formula for glue
Security:Public

I kinda forgot about it, but the other night I dreamt about my grandpa. I knew he was going to die in it, and he knew too, but he was still able to talk, and laugh, and it was just like it was before. We were at a school or something, and I was looking for a certain room, because he was suppose to be in this room or something when he died, so I was pulling him by the arm looking for this room, panicking that he would die before we got to this room. At one point in the dream, he said I love you, and I said I love you too. I woke up feeling just a lot more ok about the whole thing, like it was a "sign" or something that he was alright.

I remember the few months before he did die, I would dread going out to see them, because each time he would be doing worse. And each time, it was prepared like it would be the last time we would see him. After a few months, it was really exhausting, just to be so prepared mentally, and then visiting again and again. That sounds so terrible and selfish but it really hurt. The time before the last time we saw him was just like, so perfect. It couldn't have been better I don't think. I posted about it on that day actually. So weird to look back and read so many things I was thinking before some of these things happened. But he had been lying in bed and we were talking to him, and at one point I was alone with him. It was sort of awkward. Oh and for about an hour he was holding my hand. So anyways he asked if there was anything I wanted to tell him. And it was so different and perfect, because FOREVER, he had always been the one to say I love you first. So I said "I love you" and he said I love you too and then reached up and I hugged him. Like I am so happy with that day, I feel okay that he died. Of course I miss him, but it just made part of it a lot more, there is a word for it. I forgot. But, we went back again for his birthday. He was REALLLY sick then. God. It is sad to actually say or think, but it was kindof creepy. Just because it was so not him. I never told him I loved him that day. I mean, I am not all upset about it, I realized it that day and afterwards, but yeah. It was cute though, each time we were there the last few times, he would hold onto my hand and seriously not let go for a few hours. My dad was commenting on that the other day. That is really cool.

So this weekend is the memorial thing. We are driving to Nebraska tomorrow morning at 8am. The service is Saturday, we return Sunday. And we get to bring the 4 year old. Who is currently sleeping in my office at my dads. Grrrrr. This means that I most likely can't get online tonight. Grr again. Oh and another grr, she is going to be sleeping with me at the hotel. Is this not bullshit? I mean, we are getting 3 rooms, which is 6 beds, my grandma and her sister have one, my dad and Lisa have one, but they sleep in the same bed, I mean its like can you not fuck for ONE night and let the little brat stay with you?? It is fuckin bad enough sharing a ROOM with my brother, sharing a bed with a smelly four year old will be just wonderful. And they don't ASK me if this is ok, they just do it, not assuming I will care, or even care if I do care. My dad just gives me this cheesy smile. ARGH.

Today was pretty cool. John came over. We were going to watch movies all day because it is cold and just one of those days. But..we didn't :D <3

I feel really bad or confused or something about Dustin. *Someone* reminds me so much of him, but I don't know whether that is like normal or bad or what. I mean or course everyone is their own person, but like little things. Similar smelling cologne, some similar thoughts and opinions, other little things. Maybe I am imagining it. I dunno. I got some serious deja vu kind of thing today and last night. I felt like safe and happy and I haven't felt that way in forever. It was nice.

Life is all little things. It is the little things that are important. I keep thinking about Dustin. Ugh. Its like, when you break up with someone, there is that pain. But it is a different pain when someone dies. They aren't there, and never will be again. When you break up, you remember and miss little things, but when they die, it is..ugh.

And now, I find out John is leaving in May or June. I am upset, but not surprised. That is just how much my life sucks. I expect the worst of everything, at all times.

Comments: ring my bell.



Date:2002-04-26 15:25
Subject:
Security:Public

Today was pretty cool. Made up a dance. Jumped on the trampoline. Hung out with John. Got a foot and hand massage<333 My feet and hands are all soft and stuff it was awesome. And here I am now. Man. I am so tired. And cold. I think I'm gonna go take a bath or something.

Comments: 2 ring a lings - ring my bell.



Date:2002-04-25 19:12
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: mellow

Falala my dad is all having a "hockey puck" night or whatever because of the stanley cup gooo avalanche. But yeah he is making fuckin every food that is in the shape of a hockey puck. Cough *loser*..oh well. I will just sit in here on the computer or sleep.

I feel pretty aware of everything that is going on now. And I am not as careless as I was a few days ago. Which is both good and bad. But yeah. Today was nice ;];];];]

I want to like hmm. I dunno. I am really tired ;] I had a psychologist appointment today. Hahahahaa John ran upstairs when she came. It was so funny. I remember her asking me stuff and I would sit there and smile and think for like 10 minutes and then totally forget what she had asked. I told her I hadn't slept in a few days.

I got this packet thing in the mail and I have to decide what courses I want to take at ACC. Blah.

My webcam is so fun haha. I love it. I feel like my posts have been too happy. I am not happy at all right now. Only for little short periods of time. I am so horrible. My god. I need to like just hit myself and snap back into it. Oh I have a new turn on..watching guys play the guitar..and their hands..and wow. Yeah. So yeah. Ok I know what I am talking about. Ok I think I just sat here for 20 minutes not being able to think enough to type. K. I will write again later haha.

Comments: ring my bell.



Date:2002-04-25 00:12
Subject:Like sand through the hourglass
Security:Public

For once there is not a whole lot to write about. I went to sleep at 7, woke up now at 12, and will be going back to bed shortly. My back really hurts, I am totally getting cramps and they are painful, and a whole bunch of stuff. Yeah. another little perk~not having to worry about any pms shit. That would be nice. Ha. My psychologist friend has decided he is worried about me now, and that he may have to just talk to my mom. I was like, are you stupid.. my mom won't be paying any attention to what he says, just that I have been talking to him for a year and he is her age. Ha. Argh. Hopefully he doesn't mean that. Ok well I will be going back to dreamland now. I love sleeping. Where I can dream that everything is ok. Goodnight.

Comments: ring my bell.



Date:2002-04-24 19:00
Subject:
Security:Public

I got a new icon. Or I made a new icon. Hehe. Trying to decide whether to stay up all night or not. Hmm.

My name is: Amy
I may seem: stuck up + happy
But I'm really: depressed+ insecure
People who know me think I'm: Hmm. ?
If you knew me you'd probably:Think that I need to go get some plastic surgery
Sometimes I feel: really sad
My days are pretty: interesting sometimes
In the morning I: Want to die
I like to sleep: all the time or never
If I could be doing anything right now I would be: :x
Money is: gay
One thing I wish I had is: emotional stability
One thing I have that I wish I didn't is: problems
All you need is: me?
All I need is: hmm. lots of stuff.
If I had one wish it would be: to go to sleep and never wake up
Love is: confusing and it really hurts
If an angel flew into my window at night I would: beg it to take me with it
If a demon crashed into my window I would: scream
If I could see one person right now it would be: Well. John. If they can be non living people Dustin or my grandpa.
Something I want but I don't really need is: uh
Something I need but I don't really want is: lots of stuff
I live for: nothing
I dare you all to: do whatever the hell you want
I am afraid of: myself, people, guys, life
It makes me angry when: people are mean
I dream about: sex
I daydream about: sex

Comments: 10 ring a lings - ring my bell.



Date:2002-04-24 06:44
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood:Very calm.

Woooah that was really fun. I literally just got back..well 30 minutes ago..I told my dad I was going to Ashleys around 10 then met John. His friend Mark came over and we smoked out of his bong and oh my godddd. I reallllly have never been that high. Like woah. But it wasn't as fun with 3 people because of this little tension between the 2 guys and anyhow I was shaking and like going in and out and woooah for about an hour and I have never had that happen before and it was like woah dude. Then we went to super k mart and walked around then went back. Mark left. I am still stoned. I so need to get my dad to do it sometime again. He use to back when he was like 19. Yeah. Man. Wow. And I am really really really really cold. But yeah. I think with just the 2 of us it will be a LOT better. So I am way psyched for either tonight or tomorrow..or both..ahaha. And then when he gets MDMA omg fun stuff dude. And omg this whole "tantric" thing was awesome today...3 and a half hours. Damn. I need a massage. Ok my eyes are like fluttering I really need to go to sleep. Ahh sleep. Mmm. Ok I am going to go sleep now. My eyes are being so funny. K I am going to sleep now. I will write later.

Comments: 14 ring a lings - ring my bell.



Date:2002-04-23 21:13
Subject:
Security:Public

This morning morning...or night..whatever you consider 2-6am was awesome. Very awesome ;]

Today SUCKED. We are making this video for my grandpa about his life with this movie producer, so we did a whole bunch of little interviews with us about grandpa and yeah. Actually it was really cool, my grandpa had video tapes he had made when he was like 18. This was like RIGHT when video cameras came out...it is AMAZING. I mean you watch these things and it's like. Wow. These people are so much like us now days only they lived 100 years before we did. It is incredible. There are parts of him in the navy and showing the guys and everything...it seems so fake but it isn't! and his brother was really good looking it was soo weird. Actually he was pretty attractive too. He looked like exactly like Dezi Arnaz it is creepy. I wish I could explain the video better. But it is like wow.

So during my interview it was weird because this guy is 24 and we were having side conversations about totally different things and it was weird having him ask me the questions he was. So yeah. HAHA and then the shirt I was wearing was too dark so I had to put on a shirt of my grandmas, lmao. It was funny :x

My webcam is working at my dads! (Which is where I am) so I am having a blast with it. If anyone wants to do netmeeting, teelll me that would be awesome.

K well I am off to meet John and walk. Toodles.

Comments: ring my bell.



Date:2002-04-21 18:54
Subject:Please Remember
Security:Public

title or description

April 20th, 2002 at 11:20 please take a minute or 2 of silence to remember Columbine high school.

Cassie Bernall
Stephan Curnow
Corey DePooter
Kelly Flemming
Matthew Kechter
Daniel Mausor
John Tonlin
Lauren Townsend
Kyle Yalesquery
Daniel Rohrbough
Rachel Scott
Isaiah Shoels
Dave Sonders

We are all Columbine.

Comments: ring my bell.



Date:2002-04-20 22:32
Subject:
Security:Public

I took a nap to escape reality. I woke up an hour later. I feel perky...definitely not happy..but perky.
I forgot to post that I have a new voicemail # and it is an 800#(FREE)so EVERYONE LEAVE ME A MESSAGE the number is 1-877-662-5300 extension 103 DO IT NOW! :x

I love it and yet hate it when people try to make my life worse than it already is. I love that is brings me closer to where I need to be to do what I want to do..but I hate that in that time when I wait to get there it hurts. And I feel so terrible and had no idea it was actually possible to feel like this. It will come though.

I cannot wait until tomorrow ;] ;] ;] ;] ;] ;] ;] ;]

I am listening to that ill nino song that we listened to 50 billion times the other day..and I am starting to like it more and more. My mom has been commenting on my "strange" music. Not in a bad way.

2 days until 4/20. I can't find my frickin Columbine pin. I HAVE to find my Columbine pin. And poster that Tori and I made in 99. And I need to go buy blue and silver candles. Fuck. So much to do..so little time. That would look kind of cool..4-6-86 to 4-20-02. I am liking it. The 4 thing. All even numbers. But no. That would be way too disrespectful. And just no. No. But I do like the 4 thing.. a lot..hmm.. 4-6-86 to 5-6-02...that is pretty cool looking too. Marilyn Monroe's years were 1926-1962..but 1986-2068 is NOT doing it for me. Lmao. Haha I just seriously laughed out loud. There is NO way in HELL I will ever be older than 40. HAHA. Oh man. 20 is even looking bad. Hmm. 4-6 to 6-4. Yes. I REALLY like that. The years don't look that cool but nothing looks cool with it. Mmmm..

I love how nothing matters when all you want to do is die. I don't FUCKING CARE about ANYTHING right now. All I care about is that I don't have to care. How it is like this thing that I have control over. And I can make this decision whenever I want to. I want to fly. I mean..I have fallen meaning bungee jumping and stuff...and I have "flown" or been the "flyer" being thrown in the air by people..but I mean really fly...like jump off of a really really big bridge and just fly...maybe that is what I will do..if only I could find a big bridge. Hmm. Well there is the one on my dad's lake. But it isn't that high. I don't think the water is very deep either. Ooh. I could do a nice swan dive..if I am lucky there are rocks..I will be at my dads all next week. Ok I will keep any planning to myself. I hate mean people.

I need a facial. Man. And I need new chapstick. Bubblegum lipsmackers is starting to make me feel ill. Even more so seeing I have this thing in the pit of my stomach that won't go away. I am about to cut myself open. God. What in the hell is wrong with me. Could I be any more pathetic? Probably. But right now this feels pretty bad.

Comments: 2 ring a lings - ring my bell.



Date:2002-04-20 21:13
Subject:
Security:Public

This morning morning...or night..whatever you consider 2-6am was awesome. Very awesome ;]

Today SUCKED. We are making this video for my grandpa about his life with this movie producer, so we did a whole bunch of little interviews with us about grandpa and yeah. Actually it was really cool, my grandpa had video tapes he had made when he was like 18. This was like RIGHT when video cameras came out...it is AMAZING. I mean you watch these things and it's like. Wow. These people are so much like us now days only they lived 100 years before we did. It is incredible. There are parts of him in the navy and showing the guys and everything...it seems so fake but it isn't! and his brother was really good looking it was soo weird. Actually he was pretty attractive too. He looked like exactly like Dezi Arnaz it is creepy. I wish I could explain the video better. But it is like wow.

So during my interview it was weird because this guy is 24 and we were having side conversations about totally different things and it was weird having him ask me the questions he was. So yeah. HAHA and then the shirt I was wearing was too dark so I had to put on a shirt of my grandmas, lmao. It was funny :x

My webcam is working at my dads! (Which is where I am) so I am having a blast with it. If anyone wants to do netmeeting, teelll me that would be awesome.

K well I am off to meet John and walk. Toodles.

Comments: ring my bell.



Date:2002-04-20 10:25
Subject:when will it all be over
Security:Public

I woke up this morning crying and moaning. Well that is what woke me up. I woke myself up. What a terrible dream. It was so frustrating. It was prom, and my mom was taking forever. And she took so long to take me over to Kelly's that we missed it. I know it sounds silly now, but it was really upsetting in my dream. And I woke up, relieved that it was just a dream, but then realized that the dream, horrible as it was, is better than my reality. I feel physically sick. I want to die. Or sleep forever. Or just get away from myself. I am so stupid. And I do not deserve anything I have. I am the definition of the word pathetic. I had something for almost 2 years. God. What in the hell is wrong with me. Now I have to go to my dad's this weekend. Just thinking about it makes me want to ugh I don't know. I am rambling. My grandpa's memorial thing is later on this week or something. We have to drive to Nebraska, and this little 4 year old has to come with us. Could it get any worse. I think I will kill myself. I think I really will.

Comments: 2 ring a lings - ring my bell.



Date:2002-04-19 23:13
Subject:so confused
Security:Public
Mood:suicidal

I really don't know how to feel. It hurts but it doesn't. Part of me doesn't feel affected, or does, but like I can go on without thinking about this..and then another part of me is so confused and feels so incredibly guilty and dirty and disgusting that it is making me crazy..I can't decide whether this was good or bad or both or what. What are my morals...have I broken them...what exactly was I waiting for..God I need help right now. I need to cut. I can't cry. I want to. I feel like it is a big deal, and I should be making a big deal about it. And I am afraid of being alone..but I am equally or more scared about not being alone..I don't know how to feel or who to tell..or if I should tell or not..What am I getting myself into..am I ready for something like this..ahh help me. And I am going to turn into a pothead if I am not careful. That I am not as worried about. What is wrong with me!! I am so fucking stupid!! Somebody kill me. Please. I will do it myself.

Comments: 2 ring a lings - ring my bell.


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